Monday, December 5, 2011

sad. angry. depressed. upset.

warning, warning... if you are not wanting to hear me complain for a minute, don't read.

February 18th I picked up Andy at the airport, I was able to have about 60 minutes of alone time with him. total.
On February 19th we ate breakfast together, while being visited by people here and there, later that day we were married... we had people around us ALL day long, it was amazing.
Later that night, we went up to our hotel room and had some alone time and slept for about 7 hours, were up again and went down to have breakfast with family and open our wedding gifts.
We got in the car, drove alone together for about 15 minutes and I dropped him off at the airport.
Then he was gone. and I was alone again.

The next day I got into the car and drove accross the country to Georgia. My mom and my 2nd mom Betti (my mom's best friend who doesn't miss any important part of our life) drove with me. It was so much fun! We were 3 married women traveling accross the country. And the best part... my honey was waiting for me at the end! We arrived in Georgia and a few days later my mom and Betti were on their way back to their own lives, and there I was... ready as ever to start mine. I searched and searched for jobs, I worked hard at being a great house wife to Andy, I decorated our apartment and made it as much of a home as I could, I brought Andy lunch everyday and always had a hot dinner for him at night. I was the best wife I could be. I have always had amazing examples in my life... and my mom was by far the best house wife and mom in the world, so I learned from the best... and I've continued to try to be the best... and some days, I just feel like I'm not.
 Don't get me wrong, my husband doesn't make me feel anything but great.. .it's all on me.

Maybe it's depression? Maybe it's the fact that I stopped my birth control pills 4 months ago and it's still getting regulated, or the fact that I was cut into and my ovary's were messed with and my hormones are all over the place, or the fact that I'm in a state thousands of miles away from my friends and family and I can count on a hand the amount of friends I have in this city. Maybe it's the season? I had a traumatic Christmas one year and it just hasn't been my favorite holiday. Losing a parent the day after Christmas will do that to you.

You know what the hardest part is? I don't want to tell my husband how I feel... although I know he knows, and I am irratable... moody... tired... a cry baby... and this IS NOT ME!!! I am the happy Randi, not the sad depressed Randi! I don't like the person I am. at all.

Believe me, no matter how much I gripe or complain... I would NOT change the life I live... I love my husband, I love our dog... and I would go wherever Andy was. I just need to find some way to get out of this funk, I'm hoping our trip home helps.

I need to get back that person that I know is still in me. I need to find my happy place again. I know it's there.


  1. You are not alone:) I feel this way a lot!! and poor Colten.. he thinks I'm so moody all of a sudden. And it's hard to explain!! I feel you're pain girl. Keep counting the blessings.. and things will get better!! I always have open ears...(or eyes) listen/ read complaining/venting. Email me anytime!

  2. Sweet old friend, life as a woman is HARD!!! It seems to not matter how much we've been blessed, our moods can totally torment us and our poor loved ones(!!). This time of year doesn't help a whole lot either. Hang in there, I am thinking of you and praying for you. God cares about us and we are not alone, and the more we fail up, the better God remains, because He promises He will never leave us or forsake us! When nothing about how we feel makes sense or stays the same, He and His promises never change. He loves us. Telling myself the same thing! The last few months I've loved being able to find your blog and keep up on you, I'm sorry I don't comment much, but I pray for you (especially when I saw about your surgery stuff). Love you and will keep you in prayer this season! Love, Amy